I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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