Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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