how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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