What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
