dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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