He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
