hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
