Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
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