Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
