My liver just broke up with me...
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
