whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
