it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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