My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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