apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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