There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
