I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
