We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
