Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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