The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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