I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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