He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
