I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
