Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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