Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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