he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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