I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
