I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
