The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
