Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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