This is not my ceiling
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
