I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
