you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
