everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I woke up under a house in Key West
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
