First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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