I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
