Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
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Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
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Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
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