Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
