i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
