my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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