woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
