Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
