Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
