I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
