The maid of honor just puked.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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