Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
