Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
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Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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