You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
