I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
