dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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