Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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