saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
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