My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
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