Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
