she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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