your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Come on in and take your pants off
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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