nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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